Forgiveness

Matthew 18:15-35 NASB

Oh, Lord, help me to forgive! Sometimes I think I have, but I have only fooled myself--and only myself. I harbor self-righteousness and indignation (and victimhood) as jewels, forgetting the truth that these "jewels" are weights that will drown me in my own bile. Lift me up. Shake me until the jewels tumble away. Open my eyes to see your boundless mercies so that I may share them with those who have grieved me. Soften me and mold me into a more perfect image of you. In your name, Jesus, I ask these things. Amen

God’s Character

Numbers 3:1 NASB and Numbers 4:1 NASB

These passages can seem so monotonous and irrelevant. I mean, who cares how many people there are in a tribe or family from thousands of years ago? Well... God does.

In the first chapter we see that every firstborn belongs to God. God is sovereign. He is mighty and to be served. This is an unavoidable fact. There is simply no getting around it. But God is also merciful and Good. So a count is taken of every firstborn in all Israel. A count is also taken of the Levites. These numbers match up nearly to perfection, which is pretty awesome because the Lord is going to take those Levites' service in place of all the firstborns of the whole nation. He preserves the family unit by leaving firstborns at home and taking an entire family unit to serve as a family!

But God isn't just nearly perfect. He is actually perfect. So the small discrepancy must be addressed. God's merciful solution is to take a ransom of money to be paid to the Levites to make up the difference. Now since the Levites can't earn a living by working a trade, other families provide through God's mercy.

In the next chapter we see another example of God's holiness and mercy folded into one. All the detail that goes into wrapping all the holy items in porpoise skin and blue cloth might seem tedious. But as we read on, we are reminded that most everyone would die for coming into contact with such holy perfection. All this preparation is to show protection and mercy for those men charged with carrying the holy items during their moves!

It is not God's will that these men should die, but God's greatness is once again so undeniable, such a fact of life that there is no getting around the truth that our frail bodies just can't sustain His greatness. So He guards us.

What amazing demonstrations we can see in these insomniac-curing passages of God's nature and character. May He be praised!

Waiting is Enough

So, I shared that if the year so far for me were to have a theme, it would be ‘waiting.’ I can’t believe how much waiting I have done! I also shared that I am not a good waiter. I don’t do limbo well. I am the one who grabs an idea and wants it fully implemented before sunup.

My husband is the waiter. He ponders, prays, discusses, sets aside and waits. It drives me crazy!

But now, not by my own will, I am becoming a waiter. I can even do so with some semblance of peace. I can back-burner things. I can trust for the right timing. I can let things simmer. Hmmm…I wonder if this year of waiting will improve my results in the kitchen, too? That would be a cool by-product, huh?

I am also learning that I can be productive while I wait.  Waiting doesn’t always mean doing nothing.  So, now while all the big things are back-burnered, I can get out of myself and do something.  Not something that furthers my personal goal.  Not something that will end the agony of waiting.  I do things that have nothing to do (that I can tell) with my problems or my future.  We have dinner with friends.  We play games, go on walks, serve in the church, read books and pray for others.  How cool it is to NOT obsess about me, and see what I can do today.

I am gaining peace and faith each and every day as I learn to wait. The verses from Matt 6 are a comfort, as is the one that says my grace is sufficient. That’s a good one! I always pray for others to be blessed abundantly. Overflowing. Shaken and pressed down to make even more fit. But recently the word, ‘enough,’ floats through my mind. Jesus is enough. I need no more.

I can rest in that ‘enough.’ My problems aren’t solved. I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I have no idea what life will look like 12 months or 5 years from now. And that is ok because I have Jesus. It is enough. What a novel-to-me-but-old-as-time concept!

Are We There Yet?

As I was praying tonight, I struck on the idea of waiting, and it occurred to me that waiting seems to be my personal 2011 theme. I have been waiting for one thing or another (or twelve) all year long. I am not generally a very good waiter. But I am in awe that the Lord has abided with me so closely this year in a way that has sustained me through all the waiting.

It seems that almost every aspect of our lives has shifted, been put on hold or ended altogether. Waiting to see the results and what comes next is what I do these days.

I never forget this stressors-indicator test I studied in high school for a class through church. It had a list of life changes: job change, residence change, new marriage, ended marriage, death of someone close, illness, new baby, etc. You get the idea. Basically big changes are stressful, even if they are also blessings. Humans, as a generalization, don’t adjust to changes very well, so when there are several major changes in a 12 month period, the stress from dealing with them begins to seep into all aspects of life.

I can’t check every box of the stressors test, but I have quite a few. And I can see how my fuse is shorter, resulting in my either crying, sulking or yelling far too easily. Little things seem more difficult to handle than the big things.

And so I wait. I wait for God’s timing and God’s will and God’s molding of me. I want to be better. I want to serve. I want people to see me and know I am in love with Jesus. I am not there yet. I am so flawed. I get overwhelmed by how much further I have to go. But then I breathe and remember that His grace is sufficient for today. And I wait for tomorrow.

Bad Dream

I had a very bad dream last night.  I caused an accident in a tunnel.  While very real during the dream, awake I see that some details were unclear.  Sometimes the accident was with cars, other times bicycles.  It also wasn’t clear if anyone actually died.  Unchanged was that it was me at fault and I was trying to move on, but no one else was willing to forgive me. 

Next was some occasion for a gathering of people, akin to picking teams for sports in elementary school, and I was left unchosen.  One guy was at least not unfriendly, while all the ladies wouldn’t even stand in my vicinity.  I couldn’t figure out why people were acting as they were, and so innocent in my mind that I assumed I had just been gone a while and would have to do a little work to reconnect after the absence.  I was told by the one in charge that I may need to consider the lasting impact of the accident I caused.  I was shocked.  In my mind, that was ancient history.  I couldn’t believe that was still a problem with anyone—much less everyone!

On the way home we drove through the tunnel.  I had no actual memory of the accident.  So while in the tunnel, I tried to imagine what had happened based on accounts from others.  I felt badly that this was still fresh in the minds of others, while it only existed in my mind as a vague concept.  I didn’t know what to do.  I could see I caused harm.  I realized I would never be accepted again by anyone who knew about the accident.  I knew I needed to leave everything I had ever known and live somewhere else as a stranger.

It is never right to be haughty

So my last two posts on being busy are snotty and conceited.  I reacted in pain and judgmentally to receiving several blows in the name of busy-ness in the last couple of weeks.  While I think there is truth to what I said, it was wrong of me to make blanket statements and condemn anyone who is busy just for being busy. 

I know there are people who are seeking the Lord faithfully each day and deserve support and encouragement, not condemnation from a sister in Christ.  Even those who fit my descriptions perfectly wouldn’t have been positively affected by my words.  Many would likely react defensively, further entrenching themselves in their current lifestyle. 

I have developed a habit of avoiding my blog when things are hard or I am frustrated because I don’t want to put into permanence those sentiments which are transient.  My love for the Lord is lasting.  My family is lasting.  Our days full of adventure and blessings are worth remembering.  I like to blog about those topics.

I gave in to temptation and blogged about something that really bothers me.  I will try to stick to more positive fare in the future.

OK, So I am not quite finished

“My kids want to do it all!” “My kids love it!” “The kids aren’t happy unless we have a full calendar.” I don’t even know how to respond when ladies say these types of things to me. I wouldn’t know where to start!

In regard to the Busy Dilemma, there is one aspect I didn’t address.  The kids.  This is huge and is multifaceted.  Some use kids as a justification because all the activities are for the benefit of the child.  We have just got to give the next generation the best.  How else will they be able to survive in our competitive society?

Some use kids as the excuse.  They run themselves ragged because it is what the child wants.  OK?  So who is the boss? Where is the responsibility of the adult in this situation?  Why are they blaming their children for getting overwhelmed by all the obligations?  I mean, it isn’t as though the child is running around signing up for soccer, violin, piano, drama, Sunday School and softball.  The children aren’t writing the checks or arranging transportation.  Even if the child is truly given the authority to dictate the calendar, the parent is allowing for it and is ultimately responsible—not just for the calendar but also for abdicating authority.

And since when is a parent measured by how well he or she gives in to the child’s every desire?  Since when is it a parent’s job to keep children happy above all else? When do we teach our children temperance?  When do we teach them delayed gratification?  Does anyone remember the word moderation?  What about the very important life skills involving time and money management, or appropriating ourselves and our goods in accordance with our priorities?

Maybe that is exactly what is happening.  Maybe the priority is to be Busy.  If so, then the message is coming through to the next generation loud and clear.  Last night my daughter asked about something that was on our calendar.  I told her that it would not be happening after all because the people we invited no longer were able to make it.  She came over and sat very close to me.  She said, ‘I think we are losing friends because they are all so busy.  It makes me sad because we have such very nice friends.  I really miss them.’  Again, I don’t even know what to say…

Should I sign her up for soccer and give up 3 days of the week running her to games so she can hopefully see some of those friends who are too busy to come for dinner or Bible Study?  Maybe we should join the VBS circuit, too.  I can name more friends who are on it than not.   

I wonder….  What else is being taught to our children as they run from class to game to practice to show.  Can they ever be quiet with the Lord?  Can they ever wait on His timing?  Can they be comfortable with stillness, with themselves?  Will they be inclined to sacrifice?  These skills and enjoyments must be practiced and modeled to be acquired and appreciated.  These skills are what move baby Christians to carnivorous believers.  How can one hear a Still Small Voice amid the constant bustle?  How can one bear to make a decision that would be detrimental to one’s own desires if wonderful Mom never did?  And if we can’t let go the things of this world, how will we ever hold the things of the next?

I wonder still at the vicious cycle that is produced in this lifestyle. 

I fear that as these loving moms and dads strive to give every good thing to their children, they are robbing them of the best thing: dependence on the Lord.  As their tangible lives fill, their spiritual lives are depleted.  As moms live vicariously, serving each need and whim, children will grow to believe that they have a right to feeling fulfilled.  They will also stuff their own children to overflowing, gorging on the material, never understanding just WHY Johnny isn’t happy unless they are on the go.

I think parents today know better than to live a life that is self-serving.  Which is another reason why the kids are such a convenient excuse.  Parents do what they want, even if they claim it is the child who wants three destinations each day.  The small degree of separation from serving self to serving child soothes the conscience.  The mind-numbing running, the false sense of accomplishment that comes from crossing another appointment off the list and the convenience of being unable to sit and really talk with someone are all salves for the nagging feeling that they were meant for more. 

God has called us all for something greater, something that will build the eternal Kingdom. But to answer that call, we must surrender control.  We must obey and be unsure of just about everything but His goodness.  That is scary.  We know it is wrong to say no.  So instead we say, ‘not now.’  We say, ‘how about this instead?’  We say, ‘I’m too busy.’