Thursday, July 30, 2009


I am feeling very restless. Or expectant? I don't know. I can't even yet tell if it is from God or flesh. I can't tell if it is just part of the fickle tide on which my emotions ride, or a mark of something real and deep and not to be eschewed.

Whatever it is, here it is. We are halfway to retirement from the prison system. Ten years in, ten to go. Ten to go?? That puts Max at age 20, Madi at 18. We will be 'done.' I don't want to be done! This is the point where my chest tightens and I don't feel like I can quite get a full breath. I feel claustrophobic--both by time and space. I don't want my kids to grow up their whole time like this. Like what? I am no sure.

I can tell you I am tempted to sell the house, buy an RV and spend at least a year traveling the country, talking to the people in national parks, museums, historical monuments and libraries. That sounds nice and big and open, huh?

Then my husband stretches out to grab my ankles and drag me back down to earth by asking, "How will we pay for gas, food, flat tires, entrance into the museums and camp sites?" Geez. I say that he can audit lectures as we travel to different universities and invite professors of religion, philosophy and such out to lunch. "How will we pay for lunch?"

So my old dream returns to me.

I have off and on thought about running a retreat center of sorts. The nature and focus has changed from time to time, but essentially, I want my family and one or two others (think: church) to run a center for retreat and camps. We live on the property, have the freedom of supporting ourselves—solar panels, windmills, well, large garden, animals—and welcome people for weeks and weekends for education and refreshment. Definitely Christian. Catering to special groups like pastor couples. Brian could host (not lead) round table discussions on philosophy and apologetics. I could run programs for women and children. Together we would put on family events like hiking and horseback riding. Music nights, talent shows etc would be standards. And people would have built into their visit working the land, and being with animals.

Then I saw this website—they host three-week-long high school Christian perspective science camps. Their money page thrills me. Anyhow, got me to thinking that we could play the homeschool slant, and offer something like a week-long Club PALS. We could do outdoor ed, and other weeks and weekends focused on smaller subjects: computers, writing, a country, etc. There are a gazillion sub-subjects in science and history, we wouldn’t have to repeat for years—not that repeating would be bad!

Anyhow, I am all dreamy now. J

But I know my dreams continue to beg the question: how? Do we give up the retirement Brian has already earned? How do we buy property to host retreat guests? How do we feed them? (and ourselves??) How? Is this a human, fickle, fearful worm wriggling in my ear, nudging the escapist in me? Is this Christ moving me to ministry? I now a good answer is to wait for Brian to be moved. Man!! Sometimes that just takes so lo-o-ong!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thanks for taking the time to talk with me!