Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Monday, December 21, 2009

Long Night

Man, last night was soooooo long! Brian tossed and turned. Once he came back to bed--I hadn't known he was gone. Then he began snoring--like I have NEVER heard before! And Brian regularly wakes me with his snoring. This was different. I almost laughed, but I was too tired to. I took mercy, remembering the sleeplessness he'd had earlier in the night and spared him my usual 'quick kick.' Instead, to our puppy's delight, I got in my son's bed--he usually is on the floor.

Dog thought it was play time with Mommy in a new bed, so I didn't sleep really well, but at least the snoring was less noticeable with two closed doors between us.

What I really wanted to write about was my dream. I feel like I lived a lifetime in my dream last night. And now I can only remember images. I can't believe it! It was so real and vivid, I didn't think it possible to forget and it is fading away!

Dh woke me when he left for work, and I got back into my own bed after taking the dog out for the third time that night (she never gets up in the night anymore! And she wasn't going potty; she was going for a run!). I was so foggy in my dream, things blended and I kept getting confused about where I was, what time it was, WHO I was (Geri!! I just remembered that. My name was Geri!)...

Kids came in bed with me. I still couldn't get lucid. It took forever to shake myself up and then I woke with a KILLER headache.

It's like I was on drugs, huh??

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Nice Day

I had a nice day today. I started out thinking we would have friends over. That didn't work out, so I told the very disappointed kids that we would school instead--who wants to do school after thinking you were going to play with friends all morning?

Then I thought we would get together with the church this evening--the kids are really wanting that, as well. But dh worked ot (PTL!!!), so we bowed out of that meeting.

The day started with wiping plans clean and doing different things. Not always a good thing if you are counting on the former plans. But today was really nice, since we rolled with the punches.

Different friends came over to hand out awhile, we watched Babe and ate marshmallow popcorn. No fuss about making dinner, or bread, or cleaning. lol I did clean, but not out of pressure, which makes the job easier. I got cuddle time with the kids and now I am off to read Bartholomew's Passage to the kids. My girl is such a daddy's girl and is missing her Daddy so very much.

Thank you, Lord, for days you plan. Thank you for warm fires, sweet treats, and people who make movies about you and your love. Amen.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

A pocket

My girl just told me that thinking about her having been born here and never moved makes her think of this house as being a pocket that holds something special.

I asked what is the special thing it holds. She answered, 'me.' lol I asked what would happen if she hadn't been born here, or if we move. She said that then the other house would be the pocket.


There is that topic again!

I am not sure there is another fine, Christian, conservative, homeschooling family who talks about sex as often as we do! I hope there are, but I am not sure!

Yesterday we began our school day as always, praying for families we love. As a result, we got into a long conversation that began with my explaining the complexity of adoption. I told the kids that there are several reasons why someone may be adopted--they are orphaned, abandoned or the government has decided the care they are currently receiving is not good enough. It is this last scenario that is the most complicated.

We talked about the parent who is losing their child. We talked about how God made everyone in the situation, and while a decision must be made, we must pray with loving compassion for all involved--there are no bad guys.

My boy said he understood why things are so involved when there is a parent fighting to keep her child, but he said he didn't understand why people aren't allowed to just grab orphans and bring them into the family with a lot less fuss. I explained that there are people who would want to grab them, but not to love them and give them a bright future in the Lord.

My boy's other concern was HOW could ANYONE just leave their child. This one completely stumped him. Enter our family's apparently favorite topic!! I talked about how many people call having a child is starting the family. That mindset shows that we have (1) put a whole lot of pressure on a little person who herself depends on others for everything of life (2) nearly abandoned the idea that family begins with two people joining together in marriage. Because many children are conceived without already belonging to a family, there is not the support or structure to help with the pressures that come with caring for a new person. As a result, people give up and walk away. especially young men, since they carry in their body no consequence, leaving a child before she is even born can seem like the easiest thing to do.

My boy said he'd never walk away. I told him that if he decided to have sex with someone before marriage, the choice may not be up to him. If he joins with a girl who knows sex outside of marriage is a sin, she may prefer abortion over telling her parents.

The conversation continued--it really is a conversation, with both kids talking as much as I do. we talked about how it is possible to get pregnant the first time you have sex, but also it is possible to not get pregnant or sick even if you do it 4000 times! (I can hear friends gasping whenever I have these conversations! lol)

I quickly told them that pregnancy and sickness aren't the only things that can happen with sex, though. there are things that happen each and every time we have sex: we give ourselves, and we make memories. We talked about how when we go to McDonald's, we have memories of being there with other family and friends. When they are there with good friends, they will tell stories of being there with cousins, and vice versa. the same is true with sex. If you have had it with one person, and then on your wedding night, you are with your new partner, there is someone else there with you in bed who does not belong. This is a painful reality that you cannot take back. There is only one first. You have only one body. And the greatest gift to give your dh or dw is to offer that gift with no other memories, pure and untouched on your wedding night.

See? I only corrupt them a little! :)

Christmas is coming

We have been blessed by some sweet cards and sweet treats dropped at our house the last couple of days. It is so nice to feel loved! Sometimes it embarrasses me that my love language is gifts. It is the 'greedy' love language. And the one that is used as an example of not-love. You know, the rich parents who get there kids everything, but never really loved them? The absent dad who sends the coolest toys, but won't bother to visit?

But I sure love gifts. I love getting packages. I have felt so loved by ladies dropping by homemade treats for my family.

I am so thankful for the friends I have and the connections we've made over time. Sometimes my focus is so wrong, and I am humbled this time of year when people take time to remember family and friends. I am remembered among them, and it blesses me!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Holiday Schooling

I am trying to be faithful to schooling each day, but it is such a struggle. I blame the holidays, knowing full well it has nothing to do with it. We aren't doing anything for the holidays that would take us away from schooling. I keep hoping that there is something on the computer to keep me from getting started with our school day.

The fact of the matter is I just have a hard time getting started. I love school. I know it is better for my kid and family to do it. I am really looking forward to what we are learning now, and what is to come. And I still have to fight myself to get started.

Why do I fight good things? Paul said he struggled with it. I believe him, but the personal struggle is just so...personal! It feels so unique. I feel that although I know with my head others struggle with choosing right, that my fight is the first and only of its kind. I am ashamed.

And I know better. I KNOW BETTER. It is a soapbox issue for me, the idea of people claiming their pain or motives or feelings can't be understood by anyone else. I believe God gave us feelings--all of us the same. We feel the same feelings in any number of situations. He made us for community, and we divide ourselves with lies of pride that our pain is ours alone.

And, I come back to feeling so alone and helpless in my battles with self-discipline. Maybe because it is something I must fight alone. No one can actually make me school. No one can force me onto the treadmill. No one will push my nose between the pages of Scripture. These must and should be my choice to engage. There is no point if it were any other way. If I were compelled by some outside source, the joy would not be mine, either.

I praise You, Lord for making Your mercies new every morning. I sure need them!

Thursday, December 17, 2009


It is so easy to live life taking care of needs. I think the catch phrase is 'tyranny of the urgent.' Max and I just talked about this the other day. We have priorities and we say that certain things are decidedly more important than others, but it isn't reflected in how we spend our day.

I think, for me, it is more than just tyranny of the urgent. I am not running around taking care of things that can't wait all the time. More often, I am screwing around in front of a screen--until something urgent comes up. :) So, I am a lazy procrastinator! *sigh*

It is hard for me to fight that tendency and live life on purpose every day. I do well for a while, but slip so easily in to the old habits. I wonder if habits are only bad? I don't feel that I have any good habits. Perhaps I am right. Maybe by definition an act that is for good can't be a habit. Who wants to be loved by habit, anyhow?

So, I gotta try harder, get back on the horse, nose to the grindstone and...what? dig in my heels? Any other phrases apply? More journaling here, get back to walking, more time with my wonderful man, more time with my wonderful savior who loves me just as I am.

I have been a little down in the dumps the last few weeks. Better now, but I wonder how much of it is just to keep pushing through. Things got hard, and I did push, I stayed diligent. But then I felt that maybe taking a break would refresh me. I think it is when I took that break that things actually got worse, but I was so down I couldn't even notice.

Lord, help me to push. Help me to keep living, moving through water, rather than lying down to have it wash over and drown me.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

flattering...but no good! (a very shallow post)

My girl has been asking for bangs for a while now. I keep putting her off. Her hair is so pretty. And I fear she will have my bangs--horrible! I think she sees her friend's pretty bangs and imagines hers will be as pretty.

So, I just told dh about this, and he went in to talk to her. She told him that she has been trying to tell me for so long something, but I keep breaking in. Tattle tale! LOL So, dh called me in to let me know that she has been trying to tell me something and that I need to listen. Goodness! So, I sit and am ready to listen.

She says, 'Mommy, I like your bangs. I think they are pretty.'

geez. They aren't. They are wiggy! They go every which way and are very uncooperative.

Anyhow, our deal still stands. I told her to wait until the end of the month and if she still wants them, I will give them to her. *sigh*

Can't protect them from everything, can we?