I am trying to be faithful to schooling each day, but it is such a struggle. I blame the holidays, knowing full well it has nothing to do with it. We aren't doing anything for the holidays that would take us away from schooling. I keep hoping that there is something on the computer to keep me from getting started with our school day.
The fact of the matter is I just have a hard time getting started. I love school. I know it is better for my kid and family to do it. I am really looking forward to what we are learning now, and what is to come. And I still have to fight myself to get started.
Why do I fight good things? Paul said he struggled with it. I believe him, but the personal struggle is just so...personal! It feels so unique. I feel that although I know with my head others struggle with choosing right, that my fight is the first and only of its kind. I am ashamed.
And I know better. I KNOW BETTER. It is a soapbox issue for me, the idea of people claiming their pain or motives or feelings can't be understood by anyone else. I believe God gave us feelings--all of us the same. We feel the same feelings in any number of situations. He made us for community, and we divide ourselves with lies of pride that our pain is ours alone.
And, I come back to feeling so alone and helpless in my battles with self-discipline. Maybe because it is something I must fight alone. No one can actually make me school. No one can force me onto the treadmill. No one will push my nose between the pages of Scripture. These must and should be my choice to engage. There is no point if it were any other way. If I were compelled by some outside source, the joy would not be mine, either.
I praise You, Lord for making Your mercies new every morning. I sure need them!