To my love

I sure love you.  I can’t imagine life without you.  You are a terrific father—I couldn’t have chosen anyone better than you to be Daddy to my kids.  There is no one who I trust more with myself.  You are my best champion, my most compassionate supporter.  You hold me accountable and encourage me to be the best I can be.  I thank you for that.

You are tall and handsome.  You work so hard to provide for your family.  Your laugh is the best sound in the world.  Your passion for Christ is inspiring and I am so proud of your brilliance.  I love it when you play with the kids—being silly with Madi and on the computer with Max.  I really love to hear you and Max discussion ideas that matter. 

I love you, Valentine!

Starting New

For me, starting something new is almost always a clumsy affair.  Just getting started can take weeks or months.  The first couple of attempts are awkward and full of hiccups.  From experience, I’ve learned to be patient.  It seems that the harder it is to begin, the more worthwhile it will eventually be.  I don’t know why this is, but it seems an unarguable truth in my life.

So, wait patiently and don’t give up.  Don’t write it off because of early cancelations or uncomfortable toe-dipping into the pool of this new experience.  If it really isn’t for you, that will be made clear enough in time.  But don’t misinterpret difficulty with something that God doesn’t want.  Keep on keeping on!

Success

Success is a funny thing.  I can dwell on this concept for hours at a time.  When I first began homeschooling, I had every intention of equipping my children for the best colleges from which they would graduate at an age no greater than twenty.  With purpose, I have never allowed myself to think too long on careers, so that I would not push my wishes overtly or inadvertently on them.  I have always been aware that my children are whole people, with a purpose that reaches far beyond their childhood home.  I believe it is my job to train up, equip and encourage them the best I can; after that, they need to choose to follow the Lord on the path He has set before them, wherever that may lead.

Within my small role, my mind has been working around the ideas of success.  I think the Christian terms for success is blessing.  As I type this, I am listening to Laura Story’s blessings.  We ask for blessings that are physical, and in line with signs of success.  She sings that maybe it is the hardships that pull us out of that comfort zone that breeds lukewarm hearts that are the true blessings. 

I still want to give my kids all I can to open doors for them.  I certainly don’t want to be responsible to eliminating possibilities for them.  So, still college is there.  I will work to make them more than able to achieve whatever level of education is needed.  But, my ideas about an education are changing.  It actually frightens me a little.  I watched both my parents pursue their degrees later in life and the struggle this scenario presents.  It seems reasonable that a college education is best achieved before producing children and probably before marriage.  Because of this, there is a ‘now or never’ tag attached to college—while not wholly accurate, it is certainly a sober warning.

I certainly don’t have a problem sending my kids to college or with them having degrees.  But, the worldly mentality is so very insidious.  It is everywhere and the seed is always faithlessness.  I hear things like, “sure God is our leader and provider, but it isn’t practical to expect Him to lead and provide all the time.”  The idea behind this phrase is in everything!  Ironically, I hear it most often when discussing how a church should function, but that is another post for another time.  Choosing practicality over faith can be seen in careers, dating, childbearing, childrearing, education, relationships, careers, relationships…  It is everywhere.  We say we rely on God and trust Him, but with the next breath we explain that there needs to be a backup, something to do while waiting on His answers or guidance.

College is just the beginning.  But after that, there is the justification of the time and money invested in the degree.  One must get a job to pay back the college loans, and make a living.  To make the money, the work must be a priority.  hmmm…

I don’t think I am able to put my concerns into words here.  I keep trying, but I read them back and they aren’t making the point in my heart.  I may have started too early—with childhood and college.

I guess I wonder how we can pursue human definitions of success and be where the Lord wants us to be for ministry and service.  We cannot serve two masters.  To maintain an American life, there are many trappings that siphon our time, money and talents from godly service.  To be living sacrifices and completely sold out for the service of God, I am concerned that the comforts of life are distractions that lull us into complacent disobedience.  The western world has a system that includes extended, expensive education; delayed family-forming and detachment from one’s original nuclear family.  And the maintenance of western ‘success’ requires continual sacrifice: the proverbial rat race or hamster wheel to keep everything going, but going where?  I don’t believe these things fold nicely into a plan by the Lord.

It is scary to abandon that definition of success.  To give up retirement, the home, the things.  Those things are tangible and comforting.  But they are also earthly treasures that are ash.  Sometimes we think we are compromising by acknowledging the non-standard methods to success—the artist or performer who drops out of school but attains acclaim and more money than an office job could ever offer.  But this still holds to a worldly standard of success.  Money and things it can buy. 

What about the person who foregoes the whole game?  They give up comforts and self-reliant security to serve.  They live all their lives not knowing from where tomorrow’s food will come.  They live all their lives in communion—in union—with the Holy Spirit.  Am I brave enough to send my children in this direction?  To live this way myself?  Does it even matter?

Blessings

Our first day back to school after vacation is usually hellish.  Yesterday was our first day back and I don’t think it could have gone better!  Praise be to Him!  We also did something brand new yesterday, that marks a new way of schooling for the rest of this school year.  That is such a recipe for meltdowns and misery.  Instead, the day was filled with laughter, cooperation and productivity!

His love and mercy amaze me.  I know that we aren’t guaranteed good days from here on out—we aren’t even guaranteed days on earth from here on out.  I don’t have to worry about it, though.  Yesterday day was good.  His mercies are new every morning. I renew my mind and set it on Him and His goodness.  We keep moving forward with thankful praises!

Sorry, guys

I am considering a new artistic pursuit. I am thinking about finding a way to express the pain of menstrual cramping. Brian suggested I use the clay from our Cranium game and sculpteraid it. I like his idea of the three dimensional expression. I am also considering a simple pencil on paper representation. I’m visualizing the human form contorted in and around itself, almost snail-shell-like.  The other idea I have is a creative movement piece, with occasional sound effects.

Seeing as how my cycle and subsequent pain will never produce a child, I have a hard time being patient with the whole monthly ordeal. But if I were able to travel and profit from artistic displays, perhaps even bring consolation and understanding to others, then it might be worthwhile!

Sweet

This word has been tumbling around in my mind and heart for several days.  Years ago a man I know described a mutual friend as being sweet.  I knew instantly that this same man would never have described me with that word, and I said so.  He kind of shrugged his shoulders in acquiescence.  Anyone who knows me for any length of time knows I am not sweet.  I am stubborn and have fight in me.  I can be sarcastic and snarky, though I have improved on that over the years.  I do cuss and have a temper.  I am not sweet.

But, oh, how I wish to be!!  I want to be sweet smelling to my Lord.  I want others to meet me and see only His sweetness come out of me.  If I had one wish, it would be to be seen as sweet.  I have been thinking a lot lately how I fall so short of this standard.  I haven’t talked about it because it sounds trite and shallow, but for me it is the opposite.  I try to chalk it up to cyclical hormones, because they are so easy to blame.

I went to a women’s prayer meeting yesterday.  I have been meaning to go for a year, but always have a good excuse to miss out on the monthly gathering.  Yesterday, ten minutes before the meeting I saw a reminder go through.  I wasn’t even dressed yet, since it was waffle and bedding day.  But I got myself ready, barely believing that I was actually going to go.

I saw some old friends, which was a great treat, and saw ladies I know from church, which helped me feel more at home.  I sat with two young ladies who made me feel comfortable.  One of them had been homeschooled, so we chatted about that for a while.  They led the music time and I was blown away by their gift for leading worship.  The speaker (who was also homeschooled) was dynamic and relatable.  She had some wonderful words of wisdom that were inspired.

Then the microphone was being handed around.  People were to share about how some lie was making them feel too fearful to step out in faith.  I felt like I should raise my hand and share.  I feel so fearful about going to new events in this town because of all the people who don’t think I am sweet!  It sounds silly and ridiculous, but there it is.  In my head, I was screaming, “I want to be sweet!”  But I never raised my hand.  I had good reasons.  The meeting had gone way past the two-hour session.  Others were raising their hands and sharing.  I missed my chance.

But, then the lady sitting next to me at the table suddenly jerked her head to the side and shoved her chair to the side, apologizing for having her back to me the whole time.  I laughed and waved her off; we were both facing the center of the group.  I hadn’t felt slighted.  Then she said, “You have this sweet spirit that has been hitting my back the whole meeting and I want it to hit my face.”  …  I was speechless and nearly broke into outright sobs.  I leaned forward and touched her shoulder.  I asked if she really meant that. 

I worked to pull myself together.  I thanked God for this gift.  Then I thought, ‘she thinks I am sweet because she has never heard me open my mouth!’  The Liar can be incorrigible. 

It is Waffle day!

Because I have two waffle makers now, things should go quickly.  I sure made the preparation as laborious and as lengthy as possible.  I don’t know where my head is that adding ingredients to a bowl became such a complicated affair.  Hopefully, there was no permanent damage and everything will taste good in the end!