I feel pretty lonely. It is so hackneyed to consider mortality, family, the past and future when someone dies. I guess I am not unusual. Family trials are nothing new to anyone. My family has had it share, and the death of my grandpa has called on the new and old.
Another human oddity is how we fall back to old habits, old relationships that we have far outgrown when we go back to family. We heard my grandpa was in the hospital last week. I was ready to go. My husband drove us to our friend's, who drove us to my sister, who was to take us the final leg to see family. In that two hour trip to my sister, I can't explain what happened other than to just say, 'family.'
Things were brought up that seemed so old, so irrelevant. But the fabled memory of an elephant is nothing to that of family. It all comes gushing out. We are trapped in old roles, unforgiven, unallowed to grow or change.
I am sad. My grandpa died last night. I don't want to think about all the other stuff. I don't want to hear about failings--mine or anyone else's. I want to remember and grieve with peace. I guess it is easier to be angry than just plain old sad. Maybe that is why family gets like family during the hardest times...
I pray to learn from my past and present as my husband and I grow a new family. I don't want this baggage to fall on them.
So I will grieve. Last night, Stan Muncy died. He had four sons, twenty grand kids and 14 great-grand kids. If my numbers are wrong, they are low. He headed a family of people who loved the Lord. Flawed people who loved perfection the best way flawed people can. With all that family, how can so few of them feel they actually belong? How can that be? I don't know, but I am thankful for the times I did feel I belonged. I am thankful for the silly jokes and silly songs my grandpa told me. I didn't believe him when he told me people ate snails and frog legs. It was the perfect thing for him to make up. I am thankful for the Bible readings he did with Grandma every morning. I am thankful for letting Grandma 'scream' her hymns all day long.