Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Glad, Sad or Mad?

I wish I were less moved—less ruled—by emotion. I am a wave on the ocean, when I would prefer to be a solid rock—or at least standing on that rock. But I am not. I am emotional. I feel things deeply and can't ignore it.

Compartmentalizing my feelings is another skill I don't have, and I FEEL indignant about the idea of doing it. I mean, if I feel sad or angry or happy, what would justify denying that? Something is either very right or very wrong, so it FEELS wrong to just sweep it under the rug.

Don’t worry, I know I am wrong. I need to be a grown up and keep myself under control. That is certainly what I teach my kids. I don’t want them to be slaves to their circumstances. I want them, and myself, to be able to live with joy, regardless the current goings-on. But what a hypocrite I am!

I praise the Lord once again for matching me to the perfect man for me. My husband cares and is so patient. He is also the most even-tempered person I know. I used to read that as being cold and emotion-less. But I have learned he is just far more mature than I am.

The night before Christmas Eve I was sad. Worse, it translated into crankiness when the dogs wouldn’t stop wrestling and a kid let a just-clean dog into the muddy backyard. I deserved to be left in my room alone. But my darling husband took us all out to eat and for a drive in and out of town looking at Christmas lights, then we watched the Polar Express—his favorite Christmas movie and we hadn’t watched it yet this season.

My sorrow had quickly turned to sulkiness, but with my husband’s gentle sensitivity, I had a wonderful night with the people I love. I truly am blessed beyond the curse (of emotionalism)!

As the day came to a close, I expressed my frustration with myself to my husband, wishing I could not be so controlled by my emotional reaction to my circumstances. He blessed me by saying that he is thankful that I am emotional. He couldn’t exactly express the reason for his thankfulness, but I was relieved to hear that I am not a 100% burden. After all, that would have made me sad!

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