Momma

Not only do I have serious daddy issues, but I have a sack of mommy issues, too.  I read somewhere that great bloggers never say mean things about people in their posts, but they are real about struggles.  In this post, I mean no disrespect to anyone, but I am certainly struggling.

Generally I think there is wisdom in the notion that if one puts oneself in another's shoes, one can find deeper understanding. Ironically, I am discovering quite the opposite to be true when I try to relate to or understand my mom.

The problem is silly, and not at all about what it seems on the surface.  I just had a fundraiser for our homeschool group. I asked twice that she buy cookie dough to help us afford the activities planned for winter and spring. I was utterly ignored. I didn't like it, but wasn't too upset or surprised until one evening lying in bed with my own daughter.  This wasn’t about money.

I couldn't fathom ignoring a request from her when she was grown. I can imagine being strapped for cash--I have a difficult time imagining anything else--but even If I couldn't afford to spare a penny, I would respond to the request.
It is only after imagining myself as a mom of adult children and as a grandma that I was so very hurt and confused by my own mother's inaction. 

In fact, the phrase running through my mind all that evening was, 'who could love her if even her own mother doesn't.'. I didn’t care to get money out of my mom.  I just wanted to know she was there, that she was proud and that she would support me and her grandchildren in any way she could.  I miss the idea of grandparents thinking the world of their grandchildren. 

I am 36 years old and the apathy and disapproval with which my parents have treated me still hurts. I pray my relationship with my kids never causes them such heartache and self doubt.

I feel that is all I can do at this point: look forward.  Try to be better for my kids.  Learn how it feels on this end, so that when I am on the other side I won’t forget that we never stop needing our parents, we never stop being their babies.