I have been struggling with my self-esteem, for lack of a better term. I evaluate how important people in my life treat me and relate to me and am left wanting. As a result, I hear myself wondering what I am worth, considering how unworthy I am to these people. It is a rough patch and I need to remember that I am quite valuable to the One Who made me and gave His Son for me. It isn’t always easy for that to be enough—which is shaming to admit.
Anyhow, in an act of rebellion and to recapture myself, I wrote to my sister that I was rejecting some relationships that were playing with my mind. I said I might put an ad in the paper looking for people who would love my kids and dote on them properly.
She volunteered for the position.
When I get my head screwed on right, I know how very blessed I am. I have two fantastic sisters and a husband who love me just as I am. They make time for me and care enough to celebrate or lament, as the situation dictates. I truly am blessed beyond the curse!
I try to keep the darker part of these struggles from my children. I share the lessons and affirmations, but not so much the discouragement or disillusionment. So these last few days have been private.
My daughter has been playing with a doll she named after my sister. My son hadn’t known the name choice was on purpose, so when he heard the doll’s name, he commented that it reminded him of their aunt. She affirmed that it was on purpose. Listening to their conversation prompted me to tell them how much she loves them.
I almost slipped the entirety of the conversation, but adjusted it to just say that she loves them very, very much, and wished she lived closer so she could spend more time with them. I told them that if not for her, I wouldn’t even have a blog. She set this up for me so that she could keep up on their lives.
Both just stared in awe as I spoke. Finally my daughter said, “That makes me feel so special!” Isn’t that great?